She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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