Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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