Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You are the jesus of drinking
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
