dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
