he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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