Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
