Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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