so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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