I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
