Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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