Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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