How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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