Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
