I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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