maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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