i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
