I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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