the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
