That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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