and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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