I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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