I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i drank out of a bidet.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
