Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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