Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
