I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
They took my balls.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
