Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
