So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
