Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
