Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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