i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
