So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
