I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
