she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
