that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
