just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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