She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
We had sex on a dog bed..
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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