I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
