there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
