moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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