Rock
Scissors
Fuck
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
