We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
