i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Drunk is not a location!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
