Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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