I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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