I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
