You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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