Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
