I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
