Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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