don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
